Rebuilding Coping Mechanisms

Shame is a weight that is heavy upon the shoulders of any addict that has continued to relapse time and time again. This is true with sexual addiction as well. Although some will roll their eyes when the topic of being addicted to masturbation and pornography arises, this too is an addiction that rewires the functioning of the brain. Although sexual addiction may not change the chemicals within the body the same way that using drugs or alcohol does, it still uses the same addiction and neural pathways within the brain.

If as a child, when learning to explore one's body the individual learns to enjoy the pleasures of masturbation without any knowledge of what they are experiencing, this can lead to two different paths. One path would be for the child to simply explore and squelch any curiosity they may have, or they may become addicted to the "high" they are feeling and develop a coping mechanism.

A coping mechanism is a behavior or pattern that an individual develops to cope with their thought lives or circumstances surrounding them. Coping Mechanisms are often formed for the individual to escape negative thought patterns, stress, or even trauma. Developing a coping mechanism does not mean that the child/individual has to be living in consistent stress, but they may have experienced one severely stressful event (such as divorce, sexual abuse, death of a family member, etc.).

An example of a coping mechanism would be the formation of a sexual addiction due to stressful circumstances. Generally, the root cause of an individual seeking out sexual gratification is due to a need that has/is going unmet in their lives (whether that be physical, emotional, or both). This need could simply be missing or inactive parental figures within their lives, having abuse within the home during childhood, being bullied, fractured relationships with friends or spouse, and the list could go on. Since humanity lives within a world that are encumbered with sin, the chances of individuals, even within the church, having a need that has gone unmet is relatively high.

The first step in understanding why someone is struggling with sexual addiction is to recognize the people, places, or things (e.i. circumstances or people) that trigger an individual to use porn. Once these triggers are known and understood, this is the beginning of understanding the need that has been going unmet.

I will give an example from my own life. Reasons (triggers) I gave into porn or masturbation.

• loneliness

• guilt

• shame

• grief

• fear of abandonment

• fear of rejection

• self-punishment

There is a common theme within this list. All of the things I have listed as a trigger for me to use has a common thread of the fear that I am unworthy of love and being comforted. Being comforted and shown that I am worthy of consistent unfettered love is a need that was not met as a child. Therefore, I struggle to have it met as an adult.

What is the cure? Learning to provide for yourself the very things that you were not given as a child. This comes from a solid relationship with God which will then translate into you believing and knowing that you have value and are loved. This will then help you to love yourself (I am not buying into the modern-day version of this). When you are able to love and value who you are in Christ, this will help you to love and value those around you.

Going back to those unmet needs. How do you fill those voids within your body and soul that have gone empty for so long? Learning to give yourself those things will help to fill the void that has been gaping your entire life. If you are someone like me who needs to be comforted when those fears feel overwhelming, learn to comfort your body and soul. This may look like taking a walk, journaling, singing, taking a bath, praying, or whatever brings you peace and allows you to connect with your body and mind.

It is through this connection with God, yourself, and eventually others that will help to fill those spaces of need and to allow your brain to begin building new pathways for dealing with the stress and overwhelm of life. This is when you begin to create new and healthier coping strategies and learn to value the soul, body, and mind that God created.

If you have any questions or comments on this topic I would love to hear from you. There is a way of emailing me through the contact page on the website.

With Love,